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Pet Stains

Ok, this is my new section... THE WORST SOFTWARE IN THE WORLD EVER THIS WEEK The inaugural winner is this program... the here's the idea: you have this pet that gets and sends email for you. it runs around the internet happily sending and receiving email in a sort of euphorically grinning cartoon reality. when it's not doing work, you've got this ridiculous little stuffed animal dancing around a room taken from a strawberry shortcake acid induced dream.
What's wrong with this scene? This poor stuffed bear is forced to live its life in a one room shack. The earth is sharply tilted here, begging questions of the contractor's sobriety. Perhaps that's why there's no indoor plumbing, and poor Ass Tractor had to fill his tub (or is that a horse trough?) with a hose dragged in. Perhaps he's siphoning the water, because he can't afford it? He obviously has no toilet, simply a litter box, not even a screen!

My ill fated attempt at using this software began when muhgcee and i downloaded it (at a mindblazingly brilliant speed of 18k per second... me on a T1 and he on his cable), then had to download a patch to get it to work, then had to hunt through the online and application documents to actually get it to work. The first thing they asked me was my email address. then they asked for my email address on 5 subsequent pages. then i installed the program. and it asked for my email address. my email address is pure gibberish in my mind now. try saying "door" 300 times... it's like that.

so i got it working, so did muhgcee. i had to know his pet's name, his pet's owner's name (not his name? no, no it isn't...), his email address (really, really now, come on), his mother's maiden name, his first girlfriend's gynecologist's college roomate's bra size, his phone number, his fax number, his work number, the number of the beast, the number of times he watched that rerun of Seinfeld where Elaine does the stupid dance...

We put this together at the same time and I STILL couldn't get my moron of a pet (Ass Tractor is his name, if any of you have this software) to find him. It's 3 hours later and the little pink pile of crap is still playing happily somewhere on the internet, constantly not delivering my mail to muhgcee. i bet his bear and mine are off on or something, ogling all of the porn starlets' pets. and to think, i gave him life. i fed him cockroaches, rice cakes and even gave him a doll. hey, it's the only damn thing you can give him.

this thing is supposed to deliver and get your mail right? well, it does everything BUT that... my pink teddy bear (it's the only one you can pick in the evaluation version) still hasn't come back... well, i've changed his room to a dog pen won't ass tractor be surprised? he's out there, dancing merrily like some warped psychotic peep, stealing my emails and searching for porn. this is the worst pet i've ever had, and a pretty crappy email client too.

Next Week: What could be worse than this? We'll find out! Also, I may or may not have a rating scale for you. On a scale of one to 10 ass tractors?